“Until we heal the family system, there is no hope for the person struggling.” ~Ken Seeley
I am the daughter of someone who suffers with addiction. My Mother is a Bible believing, non-swearing, French speaking, dignified lady who has struggled with Doctor prescribed opioids and mental health issues for 50+ years.
I have also been through an addiction adjacent experience as a Mother; my son is now 10+ years in recovery from a prescription opiate dependency following an injury sustained in football.
I know the ups and downs, the misery in the midnight hour, the high hopes and hopes dashed that one goes through when they love someone caught in the death grip of a substance dependency.
That’s why I now openly share our story, our pain and our process of recovery.
In the midst (as well as the aftermath), of some of the worst days of our life as a family, I gathered great strength and wisdom along the way from those who carried me through to my own recovery.
I write not as one in recovery from a substance, but as one in recovery from the obsession with someone battling a substance.
The goal of my heart as I continue my path to wellness is to share my experience, strength and hope with others who are walking the same bewildering road. I believe it to be crucial; to quote Ram Dass: “We are all just walking each other home.”
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IF YOU ARE FACING THIS ROAD YOURSELF, I BELIEVE IT IS CRITICAL TO COME TO KNOW THE FOLLOWING:
· You are not alone.
· You are responsible for your own life, health, success and peace of mind; but you have to take the reins. The same goes for your struggling Loved One. As hard as it is, you have to learn how to not hitch your peace of mind and well-being onto the roller coaster. Detach from it to work on your wellness. Learning this is the process of recovery. The healthier you become, the stronger and healthier the family and others as a system of support…the better chance your Person will have of getting well.
· And last, as long as there’s breath ~ there’s HOPE!
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I was offered this concept: The Three C’s:
You didn’t Cause it, you can’t Control it, you can’t Cure it
Cause: At this point blaming who, what, where, why and how an addiction started is futile. Even if mistakes in the relationship were made. You are not the cause. Agonizing over blame only adds to the misery and distracts from handling it in functional, healthy ways. This pertains to past, present, as well as potential substance abuse (relapsing). Don’t live in fear that by saying/doing the wrong thing you will send them spiraling back into the cycle. You are not the cause. Relax into the day you are in and step out of guilt or shame spirals. Someone who wants to remain sober, healthy and well will do so regardless of stress or pressure. There will always be stress and pressure! The key is learning to cope without abusing a substance. And that strength is up to them to develop. Emotionally tiptoeing around someone won’t prevent substance abuse any more than bulldozing and bullying will. Working a program is the way forward. You take care of you. Your priority is to make sure you are healthy and functional.
Control: Policing and making sure your Person is going to meetings, spending time with sober companions, doing what they are supposed to, etc. should only be something you are aware of when it comes to your own safety and boundaries. Taking control of someone else’s life, recovery or participating in the craziness as it occurs is not healthy for anyone.
Cure: Nothing you can do, say, think, or feel will heal or cure it. No formula of words or way of saying them to get through to someone will cure this. You can affect their decisions with healthy responses and boundaries, as well as by not allowing mistreatment or use in your presence and spaces, or participating in negative, dysfunctional behavior or intense conflict. Your best response is to take care of yourself and learn as much as possible about substance abuse and recovery (your own especially). Beyond that, it is up to them to want it, and to work a process or program that helps them to recover and get well.
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Hopeful 3 C’s
Deep into it with my Loved One, I was taught that while I was powerless over the disease and didn’t Cause it, couldn’t Control or Cure it, I am not without options. I can Cope, I can Contribute (in good and bad ways) and I can Create loving, healthy dialogue.
My own version of Hopeful Three C’s.
I Coped in prayer, meditation, support groups, therapy and several types of stress relieving practices, including by cultivating a robust morning routine.
I Contributed by not participating in negative behavior or conflict (I did not always get it right. When I fell out of my own emotional sobriety I did what I could to apologize and make it right).
And finally…
I Created healthy dialogue by keeping the bridge of communication open. I reached out as often as I felt comfortable to remind my Loved One that he/she was loved and I was in their corner, rooting for them to join the fight for their life.
Quick Tips
Our Loved Ones experience something we can refer to as: Wishes and Dips. These are thoughts and realizations that occur quickly, are subtle and pass without notice sometimes, and most likely occur when we’re not present. For example, when they think or say things like “You think I want to live like this?” Or make statements related to remembering or wishing they had a better life, remembering family holidays, dinner, vacation, little league memories…these moments come and go. I kept a list of available detox and treatment centers on hand for those times of clarity. I would write these things in a greeting card, on notebook paper, on index cards and leave them with my Person when I had time with them. You can put one in a bag of food or other items you may have to give them.
It’s powerful in those moments to give those names of resources, services and numbers as a soft, effective intervention (this is a helpful tip from teachings of the C.R.A.F.T. method).
Handling it that way gives hopeful action to take – without trying to control or go crazy forcing anything, while in the midst of it caring for yourself, keeping a safe support system on hand for your own moments of crisis and meltdowns (very normal to have them!) while always praying, hoping and believing for the best outcome.
The above are the very concepts that helped me navigate through our family’s journey to getting well and helped shepherd my own Loved One toward treatment.
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Remember…
There is no one-size-fits-all process, find what works for you, what leads you to peace, strength and hope.
Research, reach out, don’t go through it alone.
It’s a process. Like weight loss, growing a garden, or turning a ship around - it takes time.
Be kind to yourself, remember that you matter too.
The healthier you become – the healthier the situation can become.
Subtle modifications, actions and responses go a long way. There is not often a big event that changes everything overnight. Subtle efforts go the distance and bloom large.
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You aren't alone, we’re all in this together.
Still learning, always hopeful,
Annie
Annie Highwater
AnnieUnhooked@gmail.com